The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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