The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Boobs are out for the taking
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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