tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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