this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
