Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Randomize
