I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
