it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
