my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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