I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
