I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
