it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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