Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
