I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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