there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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