Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
