Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
nutella sex= disaster
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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