Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
