I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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