This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
