I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
