im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
