i'm signing you up for texting rehab
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
