I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
