HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
