I will die if light touches me.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
