You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
