my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
