Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
