So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
