4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
