There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
