What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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