My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
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bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
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I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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