i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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