Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
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