Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
