then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card