so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I have already put on my inside pants.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
