He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
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The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
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I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?