The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.