I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.