Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
