woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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