I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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