Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
This is the high leading the old right now
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Randomize
