guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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