Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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