i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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