if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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