Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
