you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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