So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
