You just made me feel so damn special
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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