weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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