That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
pop tarts are not kleenex
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
