she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
