these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
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