Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
