I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i wish my penis had a tongue
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Randomize
