did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
