I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
