So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
