She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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